A Boldness in Silence

Critiquing is like a chore. Some would rather procrastinate until the last moment. Others would prefer to get the task done as quickly as possible. And then there are those who prefer to take great measures in being efficient and diligent in their work. Taking great care to finish strong and professionally. I’m sure in these examples there’s one you can empathize alongside.

Reality is, every one of us will at one point, either give or receive critique in one of these established formats.

But what would you say is more difficult, to give critique or be critiqued? I think it depends on the person and topic. But for myself, one of the worst critiques I ever received came from an Assistant Campus Pastor.

Background information-- I had been an intern at William Jessup University for 2 years underneath the Main Campus Pastor. My internship role during those years was to plan and coordinate Jessup’s Morning Worship Chapel services on Wednesdays and Fridays. Having established a culture of genuine and authentic worship amongst the student volunteers, worship on campus grew. In my last semester, I was shifted onto the Monday night service team and was tasked with bringing about authentic cultural change and stewarding musician excellence. These shifting of roles also meant a switching of supervisor leadership. 

I was quite familiar with the Assistant Campus Pastor and held great respect for his integrity as a leader, his ability to finish projects, and the difference of vision he held for the evening services at Jessup. As was required of all interns, I had to schedule bi-weekly meetings with my supervisor to review performance execution, management skills, leadership growths, and discuss spiritual health.

These meetings were essential for tracking my personal growth as a leader. But their ultimate purpose was to provide an opportunity of genuine mentorship, where the follower is poured into by the mentor through spirit led conversations. Such an established routine is a good thing, right? It’s a needed consistency between a mentor and intern- communication. Nothing has ever gone wrong with vulnerable conversations. Feelings are never hurt when people are being honest with each other. After all, people are hardwired to listen intently with one another, never jumping to conclusions and giving the other person room to speak without offense, right? 

Yeah, I know, you are rolling your eyes at the immense use of my paragraphical sarcasm.

But just to be real for a second and burst some bubbles, just because an internship or job is involved in ministry, does not guarantee one a position of complete bliss with no mistakes or emotions getting hurt.

With that said, during one particular meeting between the Assistant Pastor and myself, the conversation steered towards areas of weakness (such a sweet topic) and relationally building rapport with others when sharing vision. 

Those that do not know who I am must understand I am a visionary executioner. What is a visionary executioner? In my eyes, it is the imagination of a creative-minded individual who paints pictures of goals, foresees events, and envisions possibilities! The executioner part is then established when the individual ensures their vision and goal is no longer delayed by third-party laziness, negative-nancies, and peacemakers. 

In other words, I am a creative-minded person who envisions vast goals for the purpose of furthering God’s Kingdom and then takes great measured steps to ensure the vision is fulfilled. 

This might not sound like an overall negative quality. I mean who wouldn’t want to be a visionary individual who is creative, goal-minded, ambitious, hardworking, self-motivated, makes things happen, and is bold; these are all great qualities of a leader! 

We agreed these were great qualities and in our meeting that day, these strengths were mentioned. But I started to steer the conversation from my weaknesses to an idea for an event I had, because I knew I was going to forget it if I did not say it right then and there ( and all the ADHD people raise their hands and say “amen”)! 

But abruptly in a jovial voice, the Assistant Pastor turned to me and cut me off by saying, “Mady, what do you think would happen if you practiced silence?” 

My brain short-circuited, practicing silence?

I remember the Assistant Pastor chuckling and I looked over to see him warily watching my reaction, as if I was going to harm him! He proceeded to share how silence can be just as much of an effective tool in leadership as active communication. He used biblical scripture to back up his argument and was kind in sharing how my boldness for vision can, sometimes, inhibit my relational performance as an effective leader.

Now, I was listening to his constructive criticism with an open heart (or so I thought)! But internally, I was battling raging thoughts of insecurity and self-pride. 

“What was wrong with speaking so boldly?”

During my beginnings as a worship intern, I had no idea what I was doing and it was apparent that my leadership skills in music and praise were lacking foundationally. My struggles often revolved around asking questions, like, how could I effectively lead my team if I didn’t even know how to create a worship set? Or how could I communicate as a worship leader, if I didn’t even know the fundamental basics of music? 

For almost 3 years, I dedicated time and learned the language of music. I experienced hardships within the worship industry and fought to be a better leader for my teammates. My struggles throughout those years revolved around insecurities that I could not effectively lead teams relationally, musically, or spiritually. But as I grew in experience, it wasn’t until my last semester in college that I began to feel confident in my role as a worship leader.  

And then these words were said, “Mady, what would happen if you practiced silence?”

I beg your deepest pardon! 

One thing you must understand is I have a testimony when it comes to silence. Throughout my childhood I was told to be silent, not asked, told. I was silent in public school as insults about my weight, looks, and big personality were thrown around. I was silent when I turned my back on Jesus and chose to follow fleshly desires. I was silent when fellow students, professing to be Christian, at my college were smoking weed and spreading slander about others. In the beginnings’ of my role as a worship leader, I was silent because I knew I lacked knowledge and understanding.

But what I lacked in weakness, the Lord made up, and I gained confidence to usher in the presence of the Lord as a worshipper. The Lord began to heal the silence of my past and I began speaking up and taking ownership as a leader! Prayerfully considered plans were coming into fruition and where I once felt like I was constantly failing my team, I now was embodying faith emboldened by God’s grace, to lead others in confidence.

“Mady, what would happen if you practiced silence”— I beg your DEEPEST pardon.

I remember feeling internally crushed and disappointed in myself. Maybe I wasn’t doing enough or was good enough? These thoughts circulated and raged in my head. But then I thought about my past and pride swelled in my heart.

I was told to be silent by so many people throughout my life, no way was it going to happen again.

Here’s the issue, if there is one thing people should know about me, its the fact that I am a strong-willed and stubborn woman. The problem with these useful characteristics of strength is my innate ability to get in my own way. 

In the Bible there are various scriptures emphasizing the value of silence. But in Ecclesiastes 3:7 it says: “There is a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.” If you have never taken the chance to read Ecclesiastes? I highly encourage starting your week with Ecclesiastes chapter 3, because “there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” (Eccl. 3:1). Be encouraged for this means God works in order! He does not work in confusion, there is always a purpose in everything we face if we would just take our circumstances into His word. Even in the midst of being advised or told to be silent.

Looking at this form of criticism now, I can genuinely say my Assistant Pastor was not being ruthless or cruel. In fact, he was right and I imagine his criticism as shears. Cutting into areas of insecurity I had otherwise thought to be healed.

The fact was my heart and posture were in need of refining and pruning from the Holy Spirit. 

Jesus says in John 15:2, “Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that contributes to bear fruit, He [repeatedly] prunes, so that it will bear more fruit [even richer and finer fruit].”

In these next few weeks, I will be releasing a mini four-part series on practicing silence and its relevance in our lives. Boldness in silence occurs when we reflect postures of humility, discernment, servant-mindedness, and intentionally giving space for God’s voice to move in every aspect of our lives. 

I am looking forward to sharing all that the Lord has been speaking and teaching! Stay tuned for updates on my social media page and have a blessed week y’all.